is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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