You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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