Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
