if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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