Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
