its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
