I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
