I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
