you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
