i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
