ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
