Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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