Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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