matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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