No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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