final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
