I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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