Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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