Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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