I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
