He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
