I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
