i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
