oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
