She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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