Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
