If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
we should paint friendship bongs
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
