mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
