is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
