Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
