Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
