So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
