i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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