Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
