She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
