You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
