See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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