mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
