do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
