1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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