You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
