Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you would pick up someone in the library
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
