Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
