i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
