Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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