What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
