Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
