you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
