My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
