3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
