Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
