I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
